I feel a twinge. A subtle breaking, tearing of the heart. Like a small piece is missing. And I have no right to feel that way.
A few days ago, somebody asked me if I know who I am. I said I'm always learning about myself. Who I am changes daily, based on the people I meet and on events that occur that effect my life. Whether positively or negatively. I am not the same person I was yesterday, and I will not be the same person tomorrow that I am today. I'm in constant flux.
People are important. Some people leave a larger mark on your life and heart than others. One such person passed away a few months ago, and he just came back to my mind. A sudden hurting, and if I'm honest about it, I have no right to mourn. I had been terrible about keeping up to date with him, and his family. I did not prioritize him properly and now he is gone. Someone who was so brilliant, wise, had such a zest for life, amazing dance moves, and made the best all-natural peanut butter I've ever tasted. And I did not acknowledge and prize him as a friend as I should have. I took it for granted that he would be there, with his peanut butter, next time I arrive in Kitale. It weighs heavy.
This is a constant struggle for me. Balancing everything and not feeling everything so personally. I have trouble accepting my failures, and accepting that some things aren't failures, just the way things happen. I know that I am a 'Out of sight, out of mind' kind of person, and as such, fail constantly to keep those I adore in my life, and to keep in touch. This primarily involves my friends in Africa. I need to be better about keeping in touch, and being more involved. However I think I avoid it because I'm ashamed of how little I can do for them, and how amazing my life is. Ugh, there is the 'us' and 'them' again. Another thing I need to work on.
But I digress. My heart aching is not for Walter. He is in a better place. He had a heart for God, and a vibrancy unmatched. It is for those he left behind. His wife, his kids, his friends, and for myself. Because I missed out on knowing an amazing person.
Take the time to reach out to someone you haven't in awhile. One day, you will be glad that you did. Remember that time is fleeting, and live today in love.
Keep dancing Walter. <3
