First comes love... A rant.

I have never been in love. My opinion on love varies. I believe it can be an amazing gift or the worst weapon. To love is to become vulnerable. To love is to put yourself in a situation that takes the control out of your hands, and you entrust it to another. That right there? Scary.

If I ever am able to come to a place where I feel safe enough to experience love, I want it to be like this. Perfect. 

They say 'Disney gave me unrealistic expectations about love'. This is not untrue. However I should also say that 'Men slashed my hopes and dreams concerning love'. Disney gave us hope for something that was meant to be truly amazing and beautiful. It is human nature to ruin that which is good for us with selfishness, greed and self-centered behaviour. 

This is where I'm going to get cynical and completely change the course of this post. I grew up in a Christian household. Taught no sex before marriage and all of that jazz. Here's the thing. In general society, the age in which women tend to get married is around 26-27, compared to 22-23 20 years ago, which makes sense! We live in a very complicated society where we are forced to grow up very quickly, and during our early- mid twenties we change so much! I'm a completely different person than I was 5 years ago.  I am a firm believer that you cannot be happy with somebody else, if you are not happy by yourself. I digress.

In the Christian society, sex before marriage is wrong. So, a huge number of girls get married super young. I'm talking 18, 19,20. I'm not saying that some of these marriages aren't absolutely perfect and that they won't live long, fulfilled lives together. I'm just saying that in marrying so early, and in giving up a crucial time in our lives, we give up a huge piece of ourselves. We change daily. We are influenced by those around us. In taking a husband/ wife, we change who we become based on that person. While so young, we are impressionable.

Before you start ranting at me saying that 'well! This is just somebody for me to experience life with!' and 'Life is that much better with someone by your side!' and to this, I say 'Hogwash!' Sorry darlings, but I've seen too many of these marriages go exactly like this: Marriage, with the intent to travel together, enjoy life, just be in love. Reality is this: Marriage, then BOOM BABY! And then you add on mortgages, car payments, bills, and the general stress of everyday life. Good luck travelling with a baby. Or a baby and a toddler. While you are trying to figure out just who you are, suddenly you are one thing. 'Mommy'. I'm not saying that motherhood isn't a wonderful thing but it drains you, changes you, and you aren't yourself nor your own for the next 20 years. You are whoever they need you to be.

If you are young and unattached, I urge you. Experience life. Travel. Paint. Take a random adventure. Spend an evening catching fireflies. Spend hours just contemplating life, who you are,  and who you want to be! Create a Freedom to Live list and start checking things off. Live. Learn what love is. When you do, jump in with both feet! However be fully aware of everything around you.

My belief in marriage is this. I believe that you have to be completely content with yourself/ by yourself. If you are not, you will be leaning too heavily on the other person, and depending on them for your complete happiness, and that will just lead you into trouble. I believe that it can be an absolutely beautiful thing, but time is necessary to just be a couple before children. I also believe it is not for me.

Wow. This has become quite the hodge podge of jumbled thoughts. I've discussed several topics in here I wasn't planning on touching on at all and I'm sure I'll be expanding further in future posts. 

A New Beginning & Humble Request

I feel as though a new chapter has begun. I've begun living, not simply existing. I've only just begun to really figure out who I am. I decided that a new blog, a fresh start, and a new take on things was in order.

I used to write a blog labelled MHEA- My Happily Ever After. However if I am to be honest, there is no such thing as happily ever after. There is this moment, and what we choose to do with it.

For the last several years, I've been a wall flower, trying to please everyone else at the expense of myself. I would walk around and feel like I was screaming, but nobody could hear it. I felt the sensation as though I was falling, but never hit the ground.

Today I step back out, and decide that maybe it's time for my voice to be heard. That I'm here, and will not be quiet any longer.

I've been knocking. 

I've been waiting.

I've been hoping. 

Do you see me?

Now, there are people out there who can sing their own praises to such an extent that you're amazed that sun isn't shining out of their asses.

I am not that person.

It's no secret among my close friends that I am my worst critic and most harsh judge. Nobody is harder on me than I am. I've hidden my feelings/ thoughts about so many things to protect what I thought I had, and those around me.

I left university in  first year due to depression. It's like a dark cloud came over me and my life and the sun would never shine again. When I was at my lowest, a horrible bitch my employer found out about it and drove three hours to then bitch at me for three hours and had the audacity to ask me if I was 'broken'. I looked her straight in the face, and said yes I was. I told her that sometimes we all needed to be broken to be able to heal properly. That sometimes we need to be broken so that we can be recreated in a more complex and beautiful way. That shut her up.

It was true. I was broken. In a way, I still am. I think we all have cracks, fractures and marred facades we have to deal with on a daily basis. I'm not perfect. I have hated who I am, and judged myself based on what I assumed others were thinking about me. I could put on my brightest smile and pretend that everything is perfect, that my life is exactly what I want it to be, but that's just not true. There are beautiful moments, sweet dreams and calm times, and that's what I live for. The spaces in which time freezes and beauty, happiness and serenity are all around me.

I vow one thing. To be open, honest and true. That's not always pretty. In fact, more often than not it is not pretty. It can be dark, hard, and brutal. But it can also be light, forgiving, and pure.

So take this walk with me. Join me on this path. I can't promise anything other than complete transparency, and we'll just see how it goes.