A New Beginning & Humble Request

I feel as though a new chapter has begun. I've begun living, not simply existing. I've only just begun to really figure out who I am. I decided that a new blog, a fresh start, and a new take on things was in order.

I used to write a blog labelled MHEA- My Happily Ever After. However if I am to be honest, there is no such thing as happily ever after. There is this moment, and what we choose to do with it.

For the last several years, I've been a wall flower, trying to please everyone else at the expense of myself. I would walk around and feel like I was screaming, but nobody could hear it. I felt the sensation as though I was falling, but never hit the ground.

Today I step back out, and decide that maybe it's time for my voice to be heard. That I'm here, and will not be quiet any longer.

I've been knocking. 

I've been waiting.

I've been hoping. 

Do you see me?

Now, there are people out there who can sing their own praises to such an extent that you're amazed that sun isn't shining out of their asses.

I am not that person.

It's no secret among my close friends that I am my worst critic and most harsh judge. Nobody is harder on me than I am. I've hidden my feelings/ thoughts about so many things to protect what I thought I had, and those around me.

I left university in  first year due to depression. It's like a dark cloud came over me and my life and the sun would never shine again. When I was at my lowest, a horrible bitch my employer found out about it and drove three hours to then bitch at me for three hours and had the audacity to ask me if I was 'broken'. I looked her straight in the face, and said yes I was. I told her that sometimes we all needed to be broken to be able to heal properly. That sometimes we need to be broken so that we can be recreated in a more complex and beautiful way. That shut her up.

It was true. I was broken. In a way, I still am. I think we all have cracks, fractures and marred facades we have to deal with on a daily basis. I'm not perfect. I have hated who I am, and judged myself based on what I assumed others were thinking about me. I could put on my brightest smile and pretend that everything is perfect, that my life is exactly what I want it to be, but that's just not true. There are beautiful moments, sweet dreams and calm times, and that's what I live for. The spaces in which time freezes and beauty, happiness and serenity are all around me.

I vow one thing. To be open, honest and true. That's not always pretty. In fact, more often than not it is not pretty. It can be dark, hard, and brutal. But it can also be light, forgiving, and pure.

So take this walk with me. Join me on this path. I can't promise anything other than complete transparency, and we'll just see how it goes.