It's a word I hold dear and in the same turn shy away from. It has the ability to heal and the ability to destroy.
When it comes to dealing with children, love is easily given and received. They ask for nothing in return for their love. Simply the knowledge that you are there.
Family (ideally) is similar. You have an automatic pass.
Adult peers and friends are something different. Giving love is something simple. You can show through words and deeds. However receiving love, well, that's when power comes into play. If I give love, and do not receive the love of others, I can keep myself emotionally distant. I can create a safeguard around my heart that others cannot get past, thus protecting myself. Years of letting people in and having my heart slashed has made me encase it in iron armour.
I've thought I had to be strong, because being viewed as weak will give others power over me. I have come to abhor the word. When others have seen my weakness in the past, they have exploited it and ripped me apart. I do not accept help well. I have valued strength in myself, and the ability to do everything on my own.
I also felt that there was a scoreboard. That I need to make sure I'm always doing more for others than they can do for me, ensuring that if for some reason that friendship ended, it sure as heck was not because I didn't put in the effort. Or maybe because I felt unworthy of the love given, and tried to earn it. Accepting help, or kindness from others made me uncomfortable, as I felt I had to reciprocate and sometimes didn't know how.
One of the most painful (and wonderful) things about my current situation, is that I am learning to get past these thoughts and feelings. Not because I decided I was ready, not because enough time has passed, but because my friends have come at me with crowbars, and have intentionally and directly worked at prying back my armour and worming their way in. I am learning to experience love in it's true form. In a way that I had only thought possible in stories. One I had wished existed in this world. It hurts. It opens you up to emotional turbulence, where before I could just shut it out. However it's pretty amazing too. I'm also learning that at times it is okay to be weak, and be okay with showing it. It's a learning curve, and as it turns out I'm a very slow learner.
